I’ve always contemplated telling my story because as much as it helps others understand why I am so unshakeable in my faith, it also exposes one of the things that shaped me to be who I am and one of the things God delivered me from. I encourage you to tell your story, it matters and you can give people hope by speaking out loud. I can’t possibly fit my whole life into this so I’ll stick mostly to one of the many things God has delivered me from.
I had a beautiful childhood, like most kids. I was raised in a VERY religious home. Mom passed away when I was 7 however, she passed away in Brazil and till this day we don't really know what happened to her - whether she might be out there or not (her body never came back after being declared as dead). The cause of death is unknown or why she was even in Brazil. To those who say grieving is much more easier when you haven't spent much time with someone or when the person passes away when you're younger, you lie, everything just comes back when you're older and it's just horrible.
I struggled alot, l just needed a mom, someone to love me unconditionally, to show me love, to hold me when the world was against me. I resented her for leaving me but I still yearned for her. I grow up seeing relationships people had with their mother's and it left a hole in my heart. Some would expect me to be past it as if they’ve ever lost a mother. I started seeking love in places that could never fill the void. The thought of never calling anyone my mom hurt me. Some people who knew her found it okay to ask me what happened throughout the years - making my healing journey so much harder because I didn’t know also.
What I didn't know is, all the love I wanted, God could give it to me. The unanswered questions? God would slowly erase them from my head. God hasn't only delivered me from this but there is so much, He has constantly reminded me that pain and agony shall not be my destiny. That maybe one day I'll be a mother too and it doesn't mean the same thing that happened to me might happen to my kids, that walking with this pain is the biggest reason why I have a big heart.
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